I sat on the swing kicked the dirt. As I drifted I watched the cars that turned into the courtyard wondering how this encounter who happen. I couldn't remember the girls name Sandra had told me yesterday. It definitely began with an M and I'd heard it before. Not as short as Mia, but maybe with an N or L. Would she know my name? How would we identify ourselves?
I grew cold. I suspect the seat of the swing was damp from the rain last night. So I got up and walked into the sunlight. Across the way outside the young anarchists club three people were loading a red van. One seemed to be brushing his teeth. I wasn't sure if they were male or female. Maybe this was my lift? What should I do. I waited and watched and soon they left.
It was coming up to 9am I took out my phone and composed a message to Sandra. I knew she didn't have credit to respond but I was becoming concerned that they had maybe left early, forgotten about me or had been whilst I was there and we hadn't made contact. I pressed send and realised I did not have her number.
The view from my window is the car park. I resolved to go in and get warm, have a coffee and sit in the window to wait. When I got in I had the idea that Sandra may have her number on Facebook. I set my laptop up, filled the kettle and put a cushion on the window still. Before I had made the coffee the Facebook interface had loaded. First story - Sandra Jogeva
with the comment
Everything got cancelled, since 2 of the 3 team members just called in sick.
My heart sank. I IM'd Sandra who was online. She reckoned there was a small chance we could get a replacement cameraman and asked me to hang fire until 11am. I held onto the hope and in the meantime started the long process of tearing up paper.
By 11 it was clear the trip wasn't happening. I continued to tear paper and noticed Jaanika was online. She must be in the office. I'd begun to get stuck into the packed lunch I'd made and walked sandwich in hand down the corridor. Jaanika was making tea. She'd been ill so I was surprised to see her. She said she'd had to be in for an important meeting. It was over now and did I want to come to hers for the day. I was still upset about the trip but working on the Mutoscope project had kept me going. I declined her offer. Her second proposal was to get wood for my stove which I agreed to and to call over to hers to get the blender.
It was likely to take some time so I went to soak the paper I'd torn this morning. At the sinks I bumped into Mai. She is making me some trousers, but last nite in my sleeplessness I imagined a dress so I shared this with her. She promptly went and got four dresses she could use for the pattern. I tried on my favourite and she was happy to give it a go. In the meantime Jaan came back and said the wood can be delivered after 4pm so we would go home to hers for a bit first. She had some stuff to do so she would come to my room when she was ready.
I got on with inverting and saving the film stills until she came. It was good timing because I was just making the credits when she called in. It was around 2pm and raining.
Jaanika's flat was so clean and contemporary and homely. I wanted to curl up and go to sleep but of course I didn't. We had tea. Talked about our lives, got nostalgic about Leeds and then heated up some beetroot soup. It was so warm and tasty and I wanted to stay but then the guy who was delivering wood rang and we had to leave.
On the way back to Polymer we got stuck in traffic. The road signs confused me and Jaan was annoyed at the slow drivers. The man was waiting outside with the bags of wood. I went to get the money that Jann had left in my room. Ernest was leaving and held the door open. We lifted the bags upstairs and piled them into my room.
The windows had burst open and the first thing i thought of was my cyanotype paper would be exposed. Yes, somewhere this morning I prepared some paper too. I was flustered. Ernest invited us to an opening of Photo month in Tallinn. Jaan was going into town now. I was flustered and my room was a mess. Ernest said he would come back in 20mins - that sounded like enough time to calm down.
I fixed my window and myself and went outside to wait on the swing. When he came back we walked in the sun and cold air to Freedom Square, walking over Tompei. We were early so got a coffee. Above us he noticed graffiti, possibly made by burning. I tried to take a picture but I was out of memory. As I sat back down Hannah and her friend came towards us and all went into the gallery.
The exhibition was Generation of the Place: Image, Memory and Fiction in the Baltics at Tallinn Art Hall. I recognised the stairway from one of Sandra's shows. We were some of the first people to arrive. I walked into a large room on the right. I read a piece on the wall and it upset me. I continued around the room feeling more and more sad. Almost at the end of the room I bumped into Hannah again. As I spoke to her I could feel tears welling up. Why did I feel this way?
I left the room and went into the corridor on Hannah's advise and watched an film of a homemade space shuttle that made me dizzy. Ernest was there. I told him the exhibition was making me sad and he said this is about experiences that we cannot relate to because we haven't lived through it. So why was I upset? Maybe because you are allowed to be emotional in the presence of art and I was expressing the emotions I'd felt this morning and repressed? Or maybe it was sad that things changed and people suffered and I could empathise with that. I thought maybe a glass of wine would cheer me up.
We walked around the rest of the show chatting, me sipping at my glass. I was critical of the framing, fingerprints and the lack of information about how the images were process and printed. Ernest was impressed with the overall layout and the white frames. He asked whether they might be from Ikea.
We stood for the speeches and then Ernest spotted Eve who he knows from Latvia. She is also working with Cyanotype and he invited her to come to Polymer. I was very pleased to meet her and I hope that she visits so that we can talk about photography and maybe she has tried what I am doing and can advise. She left us and went off to view the show. Ernest asked if I was hungry and suggested pancakes. We waited for a while and then found Eve again and invited her but she had plans.
We got a little lost but soon found a place and sat down to eat. I was in a funny mood. It was loud and I didn't want to read the menu but I was hungry so I ordered. We talked. Ernest told me about a new photography project, what he would do about the Autumn dance, we flicked through the catalogue for the festival and I complained there was no map. I ate mush more than I wanted and then we paid and left.
It was a pleasant walk home. A stag party crossed our path. We talked about films, and views and Henessey Youngman and soon we were at Polymer. It was around nine so I changed and made my space ready for paper making. I've made 8 sheets and I have no press and no size so i will have to leave it until tomorrow. I am very tired but I am not sad anymore.
